[hear me]
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
okay here's a quick post before I go off for my trip ^^
I felt kind of weird today, with mixed feelings. I hate today, cause I had 4 tests and it's all because of this trip that pushed all my tests forward. I think I did quite okay for lit, but I think i flunked my chem and math. Aiyah, dunno lah... don't care. At least I didn't take chinese test today because of some np briefing. Hope a miracle happens.
Gah... I'm gonna miss spidey 3, man utd matches and all the other stuff... esp. family and friends. Woohoo, had my fav braised chicken and I think this will be the last time I eat vegetables before I go off for my trip.. ^^
okay okay, gotta rush off le, if not i'll miss my flight. Take care people! I'm off to Mongolia! ^^
brushofmight
Sunday, April 29, 2007
I'm healing...
Don't worry, I'll be alright people... I guess life has to go on... even though Grandma's not with me anymore. I believed she has gone to a better place... and may she rest in peace. All that's left are memories, of a great Grandma. Yep, I'll be strong for Grandma...
Okay jasper, business is as usual! I can't stay in this sad state for long, I must move on... so I think I'll get myself busy with things again (:
Oh yeah, and rest assured I'll be back in full force tomorrow for CSM. Hwa Chong!!! Rawr!! heh ^^
brushofmight
Saturday, April 28, 2007
It still hurtsI found myself crying every now and then, every night I went for her wake. It's still difficult to accept the fact that Grandma's gone, and I really, really miss her a lot. Absence does really makes the heart grow fonder, but the difference is she will never be back, beside me ever again.
The night before yesterday's was another night that I spent with Grandma. This time though, it was beside her coffin, and not her hospital bed. And it was the last night that she's gonna be in that coffin. She will turn into ashes on the next day and become precious memories that will stay with me forever. She looked so serene and when you look at her from one angle, it was as though she's smiling at me, telling me not to be so distraught over her death. But I can't help myself. Everytime when I stood beside her coffin and look at her, I found tears rolling down my cheeks, even though I kept telling myself not to cry over her dead body. Coming to terms with her death wasn't easy, and the wounds will take quite some time to heal. Most of the third generation stayed beside her throughout night, and we talked about Grandma. Fond memories were shared and we supported one another. I realised I've become stony after Grandma died. Would just think about her and stare into blank space, not aware of what's going on around me. And I feel her presence in me, in my heart and soul.
We sent her off yesterday, and I cried my entire heart out. The grief's too much for me to handle. Tears flowed like the river... endless and full of sorrow. It grips my heart and wouldn't let go. Heartwrenching. Everyone cried and even a person made of steel would have cried too. And coincidentally, it rained that afternoon, and the raindrops fell, like the sky's crying for her too. She was cremated at the crematorium along mandai, and I realised how quiet and how sorrowful that place was. A place where people are cremated every single day. Imagine the amount of tears shed at that place. It's a place of eternal sorrow, a place everybody don't wanna be. I saw my dad cry as I was crying and I felt the pain of a son, sending his mum off. I feel his pain, and all the emotions in him. I'm sure I'll feel the same way too, and that is why I swore to myself that day that I'll never disappoint my parents ever again. I saw the door close as coffin went into the erm... furnace I presume? Don't really wanna know how it is done. Anyway I cried till the very end. And that night, I cried myself to sleep...
And the lights go outIt's always the case that one generation dies, a new generation carries on. And I realised that I represent hope. Hope, to bring pride to the family. Hope, to carry on the hopes and wishes of the previous generation. Therefore, I must be strong, for her, for my parents and for everybody else who cares about me.
Thank you to all who cared about me and helped me through these difficult times. Thank you Council mentors, teachers, HSC, NP Squadmates, friends and all others who supported me and gave me strength. I really appreciate it. And through this I realised the true meaning of relationships and bonding. I finally I understood the meaning of family, the ties that bind. I will be there for my parents, my family and everyone else. That's for sure. I will let my wounds heal and I will be strong again, in no time.
Rest in peace, Grandma.
brushofmight
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
I called out for her... in the darkness... I believed that somehow, she can hear me, feel me...But there was no response...Everything's just so empty... and I felt myself falling into nothingness...The pain, and the anguish felt by everyone in the family. She seemed so lively then, up and about, her usual self. Everytime I visited her, she will always be there to welcome me. Though due to her damaged memory for the stroke two years ago, she can't really remember me, nor others in the family. Not that it really mattered anyway. It is heartening to see a loved one so happy, brimming with joy every day and it almost as if nothing bad could really happen again. And then it came.
Hospital, massive stroke again. Everyone was grim, and filled with sorrow. And it pains my heart to see her back on the hosiptal bed once more, fighting for her life. This time it was worse. Her mouth was slanted to one side and her left arm was paralysed. What did she do to deserve this? But I kept my hope and remained optimistic, because I knew that she was a fighter, a great one. She survived and pull through one such ordeal; she will be able to make it through. She seemed so peaceful on the bed, as if she's just having a long, undisturbed sleep. And even though her responses were limited I remembered the first time I visited her and talk softly to her, she could hear me. There was a drop of tear on her right eye and I was overwhelmed with emotions. The bad news came a day later, she had lost consciousness and there wasn't any response from her. That night, I just cried my heart out. It hurts right in my heart, to know that I'm gonna lose a loved one soon. Regrets, anguish, sorrow. I hated myself, for not spending enough time with her, kept saying that "I'm busy". But really, am I really that busy such that I'm not able to spend some time with her? And I shld have put in more effort to learn to communicate with her...
It's all just too late. I can tell that her days are numbered. She's just lying on the bed, fast asleep, perhaps dreaming? I was deluded to a certain extent that I believed she's in Dreamland and that she will wake up some day. She will sit up on the bed and say in Cantonese to me "Jasper! Go drink your soup!" Optimistic me. But fantasies aren't realities, all part of my foolishness to hope that she'll regain consciousness and get better. But the truth is, she's sort of brain dead. All the movements she make are just reflexes, caused by random nerve impulses. The following night after the news, I spent the night with her. Was in no mood to go home. I spent that long night with her... by her side. I never slept much that night as the hospital clock ticked away. I looked at her and stroke her silvery hair. She looked so beautiful, so serene, so calm... as she sleeps...
She never woke up and passed away on Monday morning. The signs were there. Mum and Dad didn't tell me for they were afraid of affecting my Chi test later that day, but I got that weird, uneasy feeling in me, and I knew something wasn't right. When I knew of it in the afternoon, the darkened skies opened up and it rained. The raindrops fall like my tears, and I mourned the loss of her, always loving and caring for others. Selfless and unconditional love. She led a pitiful and hard life and when I see her again, she was lying there, without all the tubes attached to her hands and legs, finally relieved of all the pain. I have utmost respect for her, always the joy of family. And now... she's gone...
I miss you Grandma...
Where did I go wrong I lost Grandma,Somewhere along in the nothingness.And I had stayed up with her all night,Wished I known how to save her life...
Friday, April 20, 2007
Did some random research profile:
http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg/[At this particular time, you are feeling that you are or were unjustly and undeservedly treated and/or betrayed in your hopes and dreams. You feel that everything is against you. But look on the bright side for you are, whether you believe it or not, a survivor.
Always anxious to accept the role of the leader, as indeed you often work well with people - but try to stay out of the limelight. You'd like a life of ease with no one to rock the boat and someone who understands you is so important in your life.
You are a dreamer and you seek perfection in any relationship that you may establish. Some of your ideas and standards are over the top so it may be a good idea to review your perception of life and accept people for what they are - not for what you would like them to be.
Nobody seems to understand you at this moment for everything you suggest or do seems to be taken up the wrong way. All of this misunderstanding is leading to anxiety and stress. The situation naturally is not as you would like it to be - you feel that you are being treated most unfairly and that trust, affection and understanding are being withheld from you and that you are being treated with a demeaning lack of consideration. You consider yourself being denied the appreciation essential to your well being and self-esteem and that there is nothing you can do about it. You feel that whatever you try to do to change the situation, you are getting nowhere fast. You would really like to get away from it all but can't find the energy or the strength of mind to make the necessary decision.
You seem to be always on the defensive and that is because you have failed to establish yourself in a manner consistent with your own high opinion of yourself. You are trying to prove yourself with inadequate resources and this has resulted in considerable stress. You are trying to escape from these excessive demands on your reserves by adopting a defensive attitude in which you refuse to be committed or to be involved in further unpleasantness. ]
Some parts have some truth in it. Go figure.
brushofmight
Sunday, April 08, 2007
hello. it's me.
Been wondering why do I feel so empty these few days. Not feeling down or anything but just feeling... nothing. Maybe I'm lost, maybe I need a new direction. SSSD again, same shit different day, and every single day of my life is all about work, work and more work. I'm just so sick of everything till I'm kind of emotionless and unfeeling towards everything that's happening. Maybe that's the reason why I'm feeling so empty too. Every day's the same cycle, the same old things that we face. Everything is getting boring, and I need some new inspiration, something to look forward too, like a light at the end of the tunnel as people always say. And more importantly for me, something to hope for, and of course to fight for. It's strangely unnatural for me to be in such an emotionless state. I am, without doubt, confused.
The previous posting talked about essence and existence. I still stand by my point that essence comes before existence, but I would really wanna know what is this purpose of mine, to justify my own existence. Will I ever know the answer?
I shall find myself a new direction, no matter what.
brushofmight
A heart turned stony, devoid of emotions. Crumbling into bits and pieces.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Song: Wherever you will go - The Calling
Okay so April Fools' Day blew over like any other normal day and it wasn't much of a joke. Nothing funny in particular. Hmm... maybe my life's a joke, hur hur. Then as usual normal lessons on the school days: the expected homework decadence in Eng, Physics' still full of rubbish, heh but I think the subject for the week is.... *drumrolls...* Chem! At least for me ^^ concepts plus funny blabberings every lesson, always that brain-engaging and at the same time hilarious. Kudos to ms letchmi!! (:
Yesterday was kind of tiring. HSC (mainly iSpark peeps) went down to shift goalposts and cones for the Sec 3 soccer tourney. Refereed soccer matches at field. Haiz... if not for jc's promise we wouldn't be doing this. Moral of the story? Don't make promises too fast. But I guess I don't really mind cause we're in this together! (okay not the song but you get the idea (x ) Students benefit from this initiative too so we should all put in our best effort for this yeah. In the end we still can achieve some sort of returns. However I feel that the students should be more appreciative towards this tourney. It's not easy, esp for jc, and we put in a lot just to make this happen, yet some of them complained this and that. Incredulous really. Childish mindsets still don't see what we actually go through just to get this done for them. How ironic. But I guess this sort of thing do happen. Just have to continue what we're doing and one day they will open their eyes. The show must go on... okay this goes out to all SYF peeps, esp. alvin and boey, jiayou! ^^
Had quiz comp, which was pretty slacky, then went with kanzy to national library for HRP. Gah, the photocopying of materials is a nightmare, but at least I got what I wanted. Climate change and sustainable development. Blah, doing my lit review just puts me off...
Anyway, had a random converstation with kanzy and jang ytd, which led to the idea of existentialism. Jang was talking about Nietzsche questioning whether Existence precedes Essence or is it the other way round. In other words, do we come to Earth with already an innate purpose to fulfill? We already have a purpose and therefore we exist? Or do we exist to find a purpose of life? Which comes first, existence or purpose? Food for thought. I believe in Essence preceding over Existence. I have a purpose, therefore I exist. I do not have to prove my existence for it is already proven through this purpose I carry with me. The notion that I exist means that the purpose is already in existence in me. There is a purpose but what it is I do not know. Not many youths will know it anyway. Only at the end of my life will I understand what is this purpose I'm given and I believe the Essence is defined by a Higher-Being. You don't exist for a purpose but you have a purpose to exist. Okay this is getting confusing... and I'm tired... can't think much anyways, shall continue some other time then... oh yeah before I forget, happy bdae jy! First-class genius, haha (:
brushofmight
"I swear that I will not disappoint, ever again..."
