[brush]
This is the world he painted
This is the world he saw
He wept in pure sorrow
For nothing could be done at all
Someday, one day, he hope that the rest
Would seek the truth and pull through the test
The destiny and fate of Man lies in their hands
For he who paints the world sees the world
In sorrow, yet ever joyful...
[hear me]
Saturday, January 27, 2007
a few clicks and some typing, and I'm back here in this little space of mine, doing some overdue updating. Hmm... no serious blogging since the start of the year, i think this space's pretty much stagnant. Or so people would think. Well, on the superficial level, it's obvious that I have not update much, but deep down, I'm still alive and kicking, though this space seems to be getting smaller and smaller as the days go by, just as my pupils are getting smaller and my eyelids slowly closing and I wonder if there's strength left in me. For everything has been a blur, a combination of both speed as well as sight. Everything's going too fast too furious, and on my part I seem to be losing sight of the end of the road.
I have been thinking a lot this few weeks, but just do not have the time to convert them into words and blog about it. Been thinking of my existence in the world, the events happening and trying to comprehend what's going on in my life and figuring out my next course of action. Or as jon put it in his blog posts, purpose. He questioned himself too about his purpose. And now I shall question mine.
When I look at my planner and calendar, it's no doubt that I have lots of stuff to do. Everybody has a lot of stuff to do, it's a undeniable fact of being in sec 4. But when I look at them, i crumble. I think i'm getting tired, tired of lots of stuff. I question the path I've chosen for sec 4 and I do not regret it. But in the end, will anything be compromised? Am i doing too much? These things run through my mind everyday and I worry a lot about them. But there's no use looking back, cause all of these has been set. I always have to worry each day when my next dosage of strength is going to come. I've already found my purpose quite a while back: being in the s**t of everything, regardless of np, council, projects, whatever. I'm turning into a no-lifer, if I am to constantly be expected to perform up to a substantial standard. Task-oriented, sounds familar? gah, I hate every bit of this. Don't get me wrong, I love my school-life, just that I hate this transformation: it's not my usual me. My purpose will always be council and npcc, more of council because once a hwachong councillor, always a councillor, but unfortunately I have not found the perfect balance. I'm just overloaded. See that red-light flashing? yes, it indicates overloading. And it doesn't help if people around you do not understand you and how exactly you feel, expecting the best from you every now and then. I've tried to reduce but they always seem to find their way to me. At times I find myself in dilemmas and I get torn apart from all the blastings. So much for dry-cleaning service. I'm worn out, as thin as paper. How long more I can last I dunno. But i sense a breakdown in the future. It's gonna hurt real bad.
I relook at my purpose and my workload. It's out of sorts and proportion. I can't perform opitmally... zzz... I'm just human.
wth, to hell with everything, no time to waste
brushofmight
I'm just a man, not a hero...
