[brush]
This is the world he painted
This is the world he saw
He wept in pure sorrow
For nothing could be done at all
Someday, one day, he hope that the rest
Would seek the truth and pull through the test
The destiny and fate of Man lies in their hands
For he who paints the world sees the world
In sorrow, yet ever joyful...
[hear me]
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
I called out for her... in the darkness... I believed that somehow, she can hear me, feel me...But there was no response...Everything's just so empty... and I felt myself falling into nothingness...The pain, and the anguish felt by everyone in the family. She seemed so lively then, up and about, her usual self. Everytime I visited her, she will always be there to welcome me. Though due to her damaged memory for the stroke two years ago, she can't really remember me, nor others in the family. Not that it really mattered anyway. It is heartening to see a loved one so happy, brimming with joy every day and it almost as if nothing bad could really happen again. And then it came.
Hospital, massive stroke again. Everyone was grim, and filled with sorrow. And it pains my heart to see her back on the hosiptal bed once more, fighting for her life. This time it was worse. Her mouth was slanted to one side and her left arm was paralysed. What did she do to deserve this? But I kept my hope and remained optimistic, because I knew that she was a fighter, a great one. She survived and pull through one such ordeal; she will be able to make it through. She seemed so peaceful on the bed, as if she's just having a long, undisturbed sleep. And even though her responses were limited I remembered the first time I visited her and talk softly to her, she could hear me. There was a drop of tear on her right eye and I was overwhelmed with emotions. The bad news came a day later, she had lost consciousness and there wasn't any response from her. That night, I just cried my heart out. It hurts right in my heart, to know that I'm gonna lose a loved one soon. Regrets, anguish, sorrow. I hated myself, for not spending enough time with her, kept saying that "I'm busy". But really, am I really that busy such that I'm not able to spend some time with her? And I shld have put in more effort to learn to communicate with her...
It's all just too late. I can tell that her days are numbered. She's just lying on the bed, fast asleep, perhaps dreaming? I was deluded to a certain extent that I believed she's in Dreamland and that she will wake up some day. She will sit up on the bed and say in Cantonese to me "Jasper! Go drink your soup!" Optimistic me. But fantasies aren't realities, all part of my foolishness to hope that she'll regain consciousness and get better. But the truth is, she's sort of brain dead. All the movements she make are just reflexes, caused by random nerve impulses. The following night after the news, I spent the night with her. Was in no mood to go home. I spent that long night with her... by her side. I never slept much that night as the hospital clock ticked away. I looked at her and stroke her silvery hair. She looked so beautiful, so serene, so calm... as she sleeps...
She never woke up and passed away on Monday morning. The signs were there. Mum and Dad didn't tell me for they were afraid of affecting my Chi test later that day, but I got that weird, uneasy feeling in me, and I knew something wasn't right. When I knew of it in the afternoon, the darkened skies opened up and it rained. The raindrops fall like my tears, and I mourned the loss of her, always loving and caring for others. Selfless and unconditional love. She led a pitiful and hard life and when I see her again, she was lying there, without all the tubes attached to her hands and legs, finally relieved of all the pain. I have utmost respect for her, always the joy of family. And now... she's gone...
I miss you Grandma...
Where did I go wrong I lost Grandma,Somewhere along in the nothingness.And I had stayed up with her all night,Wished I known how to save her life...
