[brush]
This is the world he painted
This is the world he saw
He wept in pure sorrow
For nothing could be done at all
Someday, one day, he hope that the rest
Would seek the truth and pull through the test
The destiny and fate of Man lies in their hands
For he who paints the world sees the world
In sorrow, yet ever joyful...
[hear me]
Saturday, April 28, 2007
It still hurtsI found myself crying every now and then, every night I went for her wake. It's still difficult to accept the fact that Grandma's gone, and I really, really miss her a lot. Absence does really makes the heart grow fonder, but the difference is she will never be back, beside me ever again.
The night before yesterday's was another night that I spent with Grandma. This time though, it was beside her coffin, and not her hospital bed. And it was the last night that she's gonna be in that coffin. She will turn into ashes on the next day and become precious memories that will stay with me forever. She looked so serene and when you look at her from one angle, it was as though she's smiling at me, telling me not to be so distraught over her death. But I can't help myself. Everytime when I stood beside her coffin and look at her, I found tears rolling down my cheeks, even though I kept telling myself not to cry over her dead body. Coming to terms with her death wasn't easy, and the wounds will take quite some time to heal. Most of the third generation stayed beside her throughout night, and we talked about Grandma. Fond memories were shared and we supported one another. I realised I've become stony after Grandma died. Would just think about her and stare into blank space, not aware of what's going on around me. And I feel her presence in me, in my heart and soul.
We sent her off yesterday, and I cried my entire heart out. The grief's too much for me to handle. Tears flowed like the river... endless and full of sorrow. It grips my heart and wouldn't let go. Heartwrenching. Everyone cried and even a person made of steel would have cried too. And coincidentally, it rained that afternoon, and the raindrops fell, like the sky's crying for her too. She was cremated at the crematorium along mandai, and I realised how quiet and how sorrowful that place was. A place where people are cremated every single day. Imagine the amount of tears shed at that place. It's a place of eternal sorrow, a place everybody don't wanna be. I saw my dad cry as I was crying and I felt the pain of a son, sending his mum off. I feel his pain, and all the emotions in him. I'm sure I'll feel the same way too, and that is why I swore to myself that day that I'll never disappoint my parents ever again. I saw the door close as coffin went into the erm... furnace I presume? Don't really wanna know how it is done. Anyway I cried till the very end. And that night, I cried myself to sleep...
And the lights go outIt's always the case that one generation dies, a new generation carries on. And I realised that I represent hope. Hope, to bring pride to the family. Hope, to carry on the hopes and wishes of the previous generation. Therefore, I must be strong, for her, for my parents and for everybody else who cares about me.
Thank you to all who cared about me and helped me through these difficult times. Thank you Council mentors, teachers, HSC, NP Squadmates, friends and all others who supported me and gave me strength. I really appreciate it. And through this I realised the true meaning of relationships and bonding. I finally I understood the meaning of family, the ties that bind. I will be there for my parents, my family and everyone else. That's for sure. I will let my wounds heal and I will be strong again, in no time.
Rest in peace, Grandma.
brushofmight
